i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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