Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My balls are so social today.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
