i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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