Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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