Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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