I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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