just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
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