I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
