Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I love having hate sex.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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