I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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