Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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