it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
