Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
