Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
