I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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