Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
