Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
