You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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