Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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