I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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