Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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