Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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