Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
