I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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