I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She even gives head with a lisp.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
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