no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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