I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
