At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Randomize
