seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
