listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
