I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
