Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
two words...techno handjob
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
