My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
