Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
