She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
