Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize