No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
4 words: hood of his car
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
