Redeem this text for a blowjob
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
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