so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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