I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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