even my farts smell like vagina
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I FOUND THE LEGS
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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