dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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