nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
