I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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