Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize