Having a random hookup so left but love u
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
