I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
