i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
