My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
