we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
