DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
