you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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