i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
