god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
