She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
