Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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