It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
