I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
i think my cat just said my name.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Randomize
