everyone is single if you try hard enough
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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